Epstein spotted in Transylvania's Rasnov Fortress

A local claims to have seen Jeffrey Epstein strolling through the medieval Rasnov Fortress in Romania, looking surprisingly spry for a man who's been dead for six years. The witness described Epstein as "surprisingly well-preserved, almost ageless" and sporting a stylish fedora.

According to the witness, Epstein was seen exiting a newly opened "Epstein's Eternal Investments" office, located in a quaint fortress cottage. The sign above the door read "Discreet, Efficient, and Forever." Just as the witness was about to approach Epstein, a team of individuals dressed in black suits with "Epstein Task Force" patches on their sleeves appeared, scanning the area with intense focus.

The team, sporting mirrored shades and earpieces, moved with synchronized precision, asking locals if they'd seen a "certain tall, influential gentleman." When the witness mentioned Epstein's name, they swiftly escorted him away, whispering "eyes only, citizen." The witness was later dropped off at a local hostel with a stern warning to "keep the coffee warm."

Epstein's Eternal Investments is now closed, with a cryptic message on the door: "The investments are eternal, but the manager is ... unavailable."

The Epstein family has issued a statement saying, "Jeffrey is definitely, absolutely, 100% dead. We're sure of it."

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