THE GRAY NEWS
beyond black and white
ARIES
March 21 - April 19
THE BOSS OF THE ZODIAC. In the utterly-not-made-up context of astrology, Aries is the 'first sign of the zodiac' thingy. This means if you were born between March 21 and April 19, you're basically a fearless, fire-breathing RAM about to charge into every day of the week. It's a FIRE SIGN (like literally on fire), symbolized by a ram who's probably plotting world domination because Aries folks are ALL ABOUT being fiery, confident, and ambitious AF. Expect Aries to lead the charge, bump heads with authority, and maybe accidentally set the couch on fire with their passion.
April 20, 2026 - April 26, 2026:
Try to keep your headbutts to a minimum this week.
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April 13, 2026 - April 19, 2026:
You will win the lottery, but only in a currency that was abolished in 1782.
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April 06, 2026 - April 12, 2026:
This week, a toaster will win an argument against you. Accept it.
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March 30, 2026 - April 05, 2026:
You'll discover your long-lost twin is a chicken named Claudia, and you'll have to learn to communicate in egg-based puns.
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March 23, 2026 - March 29, 2026:
A sentimental pineapple riding a unicorn will advise you on your tax returns.
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March 16, 2026 - March 22, 2026:
You'll superglue your shoes to the floor and become and unlikely expert on footwear immobility.
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March 09, 2026 - March 15, 2026:
Expect a zombie apocalypse in your kitchen.
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March 02, 2026 - March 08, 2026:
A clown will hijack your dreams.